We guys are an inventive and creative bunch. Always looking for ways to make our lives easier, keep us from killing ourselves and make us more attractive to women. (And possibly get ridiculously rich in the process.) But sometimes a few of us go a little too far when channeling our inner Thomas Edison.

Here are some real, honest-to-goodness patented guy inventions unearthed by Scott Seegert in his recently published book, "It's a Guy Thing: Awesome Real Innovations From the Underdeveloped Male Mind". The illustrations are the inventors' actual drawings, taken directly from the official paperwork filed with the US Patent and Trademark Office. The year the patent was awarded is included to give you some perspective on where the male mind was during that time. Sure they're ridiculous. Even insane. But the sad reality is there are more than a few we secretly wish we had. Here are ten that we should be glad we have no access to.


Albert's Helmet-Mounted Pistol (1953)
Why should we actually have to hold a weapon in our hand? We're guys. Our hands are too busy doing other guy things to be involved in a firefight. Our head isn't doing much. So, thought Albert, if I just strap a gigantic pistol to my melon I can keep my hands free for more important things. As Scott notes in the book, "Once this powerful weapon has been securely strapped to the noggin, a quick blow into the firing tube is all it takes to... send a large-caliber bullet rocketing in a generally forward direction." Not to mention cause severe whiplash and/or spinal injuries from the kickback of this monster.



Bill's Swimming Apparatus (1881)
You have to assume the only thing Bill was looking for here was a way to set himself apart from the other dorks at the beach: Hey ladies. Feast your eyes upon my Swimming Apparatus. Watch as I take my winged, rod-reinforced, full-body flotation suit and slide gracefully into the water. Where I sink like a winged, rod-reinforced, full-body flotation suited stone. Scott says, "Although we can't prove it, we have every reason to believe that Bill was especially proud of the way the hood turned out." And I'm betting the ladies were too.



Andre's Penis Exerciser (1995)
Only twelve short years ago Andre realized that LDS (Limp Dick Syndrome, look it up), was caused by a lack of circulation to the muscles of the penis. What he failed to realize was that his solution of having us drop trou and repeatedly lift a weighted lever with Little Bruno at full attention involved foresight and effort. Two things we guys don't have in huge supply. So when Viagra debuted three years later, enabling Little Bruno to happy dance for hours on end at the drop of a pill, woman lost the only piece of gym equipment that would have given them the same viewing pleasure the Leg Abductor gives us.



Larry's Bleacher Pants (2005)
It's the 21st century and still no one has invented comfortable bleacher seats. Oh sure, you could bring you own cushion, but how do you juggle that plus a 32 ounce beer, two hot dogs, chili cheese fries and a giant foam finger? You can't. So you go home with a bad case of Bleacher Ass. Unless of course you're comfortable enough in your masculinity to attend a game wearing a pair of Larry's Bleacher Pants, which come complete with "buttocks-shaped foam cushion incorporated therein". A very, very large buttocks-shaped foam cushion. From the drawings, I'm guessing either Larry had a severely tender butt, or he spent some time on Brokeback Mountain.



Squire's Anatomic Underwear (2000)
Women have the Wonder Bra, so Squire figured it's time we guys got to experience "a never-before-achieved level of attractiveness by allowing (our) natural carriage and authentic masculine style to be expressed in a way that reflects (our) own image." Meaning we no longer have to suffer with compacted, crowded, flattened genitalia. We are now free to let our manly bulges ride high and full and proud. The way God and Squire intended.



Jack's No-Slip Hairpiece (1995)
This is the Hair Club for Men meets the movie "Saw". Jack's "innovation" over traditional hair replacement surgery, weaving, toupees, or plain old shaving yourself bald, is his far, far more humiliating No-Slip Hairpiece. Don't let the illustration alarm you. The plastic horseshoe looking thing is not stapled to your head. (Unless you request it.) It's merely permanently secured to your scalp with glue or "braiding". That piece of meat floating above his head is your new, thick, luxurious head of hair ready to be secured to your dome by driving those spikes into the horseshoe. Not even a hurricane force wind, or the embarrassment of a dead otter anchored to your scalp, could separate you from your new flowing locks. Just your dignity.



Dick's Daddy Saddle (2003)
I'm certain Dick's intentions were noble when he designed this saddle for loving daddies everywhere to wear while playing horsey with their little ones, but I just can't help but think that the next thing they hear after some guys strap this on will be, "I'm Chris Hansen with Dateline NBC..."


John's Head-Butt Game (1976)
1976 was a magical time. The country was celebrating its 200th birthday. We elected a smiling peanut farmer from Georgia to guide us after scandal rocked the White House. And those pesky child endangerment laws weren't on the books yet. Making John's Head-Butt Game the perfect rainy-day activity for your hyperactive little tykes. The rules are simple enough: two children try to knock each other off their respective floor discs using only their heads. While wearing wrist restraints. So the little rascals can't use their hands to cheat. Or break their unconscious fall. As Scott points out, "Sure it will be a little noisy at first, but within five or six minutes, the home will be as quiet as a coma."



Dan's Motorcycle Safety Apparel (1987)
Scott notes, "Guys are innately drawn to motorcycles. They're fast, they're loud, and they're an integral part of a favorite guy activity -- crashing headfirst into things." Which is fine the first couple of times. Then the brain swelling starts to get a little tedious. Which is why Dan invented this ingenious safety apparel. Why bother with a helmet when you're wearing an inflatable suit tethered to a canister of compressed air? Becoming airborne after a collision triggers the suit to cover your arms, legs and head in a way reminiscent of Maj. Don "Joey" West's body armor in 1998's Lost in Space. Only much less effective.



Harold's Pogo-Copter (1969)
Scott says that nothing "captures the very essence of guyness any better than Harold's Pogo-Copter." It's hard to disagree. How can you when everything we guys love - riding on things, showing off, putting ourselves in mortal danger - is combined into one incredible invention? The idea is to jump up and down on a wheeled pogo stick. Which would be dangerous enough all by itself. But Harold decides to up the peril ante by adding large whirling helicopter blades that spin dangerously close to your cranium. So you can attempt to make the thing FLY. A wheeled, flying pogo stick with blades whipping near your head. Lawyers everywhere just wet themselves.



Honorable Mention
Tom's Cleavage Revealing Pants (2002)
Now here's an invention guys can really get behind. During his research Scott found that occasionally "a guy will patent an item that he designed specifically for women, usually in an attempt to enhance his own ogling experience." This is one of those occasions.

Tom designed his Cleavage Revealing Pants to "allow onlookers to appreciate the wearer's butt cleavage." And what guy doesn't love to appreciate a little female butt cleavage? Chest cleavage is so five years ago. So we're with you Tom. As long as guys, especially Howard Stern and Prince, promise never to wear them. Ever.


For dozens more inventions from the guy mind, head to Scott's site, and grab a copy of his book. It's also available, conveniently enough, at Amazon.

It's the Real Thing, it Adds Life, and You Gotta Have It, but that can or bottle of cola can also work wonders in an emergency. The chemical soup that makes up most commercial soft drinks not only makes them taste good and quench thirst, but also make them effective cleaning agents, bolt looseners, paint strippers, and possible skin softeners. More uses than MacGyver could think up.

And since most guys usually have a can or six lying around the house, knowing what to use it for when trouble arises can save you big problems and big money. Here’s a list you should keep handy... Just in case.

CLEANING
1. Clean Car Battery Terminals.
There's acid in almost all carbonated drinks. And that helps strip corrosion from car battery terminals. Pour some soda over the battery terminals and let it sit for a while. Wipe off the residue with a wet cloth.


2. Clean Your Dirty Toilet Bowl.
Got bad stains, a date coming over in an hour and no toilet cleaner? Pour a can of soda into the bowl. Let it sit for an hour to let the phosphoric acid work on the stains, then brush to loosen the dirt and flush clean.

3. Remove Rust Spots From Chrome.
If you have an older car that has real chrome trim, chances are there are some small, and some not so small, rust spots developing on the chrome. Take some crumpled aluminum foil, dip it in some cola and rub the rust off the affected area.

4. Remove Rust Stains in Your Tub.
Remember how the phosphoric acid worked to clean the toilet bowl? The same acid will remove rust stains in your tub. Soak a sponge (preferably one with an abrasive side), in some cola and go to work on the stain.

5. Clean Grout.
Got some mold and mildew ruining the look of your shower? Soak a sponge with Coke and work it into the grout. Rinse with water.

6. Remove Grease From Clothes.
Been working on the car all weekend and greased up more than just the engine? Pouring a can of cola into your washer, along with your regular detergent, is said to help loosen and wash away those grease stains.

7. Remove Milk Stains From Clothes.
Got milk? Soak the stain with Coke for about five minutes, then wash normally. It should get the stain out.

8. Remove Blood Stains From Clothes.
I'm not going to ask how they got there, but if you soak the stain with cola for five minutes then wash in your machine, the blood should come out. Even dried blood that's been there for a while. (Don't tell the CSI.)


9. Clean Coins.
Got a thing for shiny pennies? Collecting state quarters and want them to sparkle? Place your coins in a small dish and soak in Coke for a few hours. Rinse and wipe to a bright shine. (I wouldn't recommend this trick with a rare coin collection. Just in case.)

10. Clean Grease From Glass. Even Eyeglasses.
That same handy phosphoric acid removes grease and grime from glass. Even dried hairspray from mirrors. Just rinse thoroughly with water after.

11. Clean Oil Stains From Garage Floor or Driveway.
Pour soda over the stain, let it soak in for a while, then scrub and rinse off with a hose.

12. Clean Burnt Pans.
Forget a pot on the stove and now whatever was in it is seared to the bottom? If scrubbing won't get it off, try this: boil some Coke in the pot and the burnt-on mess should lift right out.


AROUND THE HOUSE
13. Loosen Clogged Drains.
If your sink is draining slowly and you don't have any drain cleaner in the house, pour a 2-liter bottle of cola down the drain and let the acids go to work on the clog.


14. Loosen Rusted Nuts and Bolts.
Soak a rag in cola and wrap it around the rusted-on bolt for a few minutes. The acids and carbonation will help loosen it.


15. Make Flowers Last Longer.
Got your girl some flowers and you want them to survive through the week? Pour about 1/4 cup of clear soda, like Sprite or 7-Up into a vase full of water. Sugar helps them last longer.

16. Strip Paint From Metal Patio Furniture.
Want to refinish some outdoor furniture? Do it the right way and strip off the old paint first. To make it easier, soak a towel in Coke. Let it sit on the furniture for about a week, adding more Coke whenever the towel starts to dry out. The paint should strip off easily.


17. Kill Slugs and Snails.
If these pests are invading your lawn and garden, pour a little Coke into shallow dishes or jar lids and spread them throughout your yard. The sugar attracts them, and, just like you remember from when you were a kid, the acid kills them.

18. Greener Lawn.
It's rumored that spraying Coke on your grass will keep your lawn greener into the fall months.


FIRST AID AND EMERGENCIES
19. Relieve Nausea or an Upset Stomach.
According to The Doctor’s Book of Home Remedies, the syrup in Coca-Cola can be used to cure upset stomachs. Just let leave the can or bottle open for about 30 minutes first, until the soda goes flat. The carbonation could have an adverse effect on your stomach.

20. Prevent Diarrhea.
Also found in The Doctor’s Book of Home Remedies, if you're traveling through a country with a questionable water and/or food supply, drinking coke could keep you from making constant "runs for the border". The acids in the soda help reduce the amount of E. Coli bacteria in your intestines. This inhibits the production of toxins that can cause diarrhea.

21. Relieve Constipation.
If you are, as the Germans say, Farfrompoopin, the caffeine from a can of coke can have a laxative effect. Much like that morning latte.

22. Stop an Asthma Attack.
Just as an asthma attack comes on, down a couple of cans of coke. Some sources say the caffeine can help prevent an asthma attack.

23. Ease a Sore Throat.
By gargling with soda you can loosen the phlegm causing the irritation.


24. Stop a Jellyfish Sting From Stinging.
The acids in cola seem to neutralize the venom in the sting. And pouring Coke over the wound is better than having your buddy pee on it.

25. Get Gum Out of a Kid's Hair.
Want to score points with that single mom struggling to get gum out of her screaming kid's hair? Come to the rescue with your can of Coke. Soak the kid's hair for a few minutes, then rinse. The gum should come right out.

26. Strip Dye From Hair.
If you girl comes over crying that her new dye job turned her hair green, wash her hair with Diet Coke. Apparently Diet Coke has the ability to strip and/or fade bad dye jobs.


27. Get Rid of Skunk Odor.
Pissed off Pepè Le Pew and now you aren't allowed in the house? Sponge down with some cola and hose yourself off. Again, those handy acids work to neutralize the stink.

28. Use As a Moisturizer.
Mixing a capful of cola with unscented lotion is said to enhance the moisturizing effects.

29. Keep People From Slipping on Slick Floors.
If you're having an outdoor get together and you're worried about guests slipping on your back patio, try this old stagehand trick: use a mop to spread a thin layer of Coke on the slippery surface. It'll dry slightly sticky and tacky.


DUBIOUS USES
30. Give Your Hair Shine.
Pour a can of coke over your head, work it into your hair, then rinse. It's said your hair will be incredibly shiny. And impervious to slugs and snails.

31. Mousse Alternative.
Mix equal parts coke and water in a spray bottle and mix well. After you shower, spray a light coat of the mixture into your hair, then style. (I'm sure having sugar in your hair all day won't attract flies or be uncomfortable at all.)

32. Prevent Flatulence.
Adding a can of coke to a pot of pinto beans when cooking is supposed to neutralize the gas-causing compounds. (Belching? Another story.)

33. Get a Darker Tan.
There are those who say rubbing plain coke all over your body gives you a deeper tan. (There's caramel coloring in there, but I question the evenness of the result, and how long it will last.)

34. Shell Hard Boiled Eggs.
Apparently, if you soak hard boiled eggs in Coke the shells will dissolve, eliminating the need to actually have to peel them.